The Therapy and Coaching Process

Our history, our parts and meaning-making.

Through our experiences (often unconsciously) we form and create meaning. We then exist in the world as a representation of the meaning we have made. 

 

X is good and Y is bad because that was my experience and anything opposing that I don’t understand so I reject it. 

 

Therefore, to move forward in what we want and to feel better, we need to first look back and understand the parts that formed our beliefs and behaviours. 

 

Throughout life and our experiences, parts of ourselves feel unsafe, vulnerable and burdened. These parts can become exiled for their safety by other parts of ourselves that want to protect us from harm. For example, in the absence of secure attachment with our parents in our formative years, a protective part of us takes lead in making us hyper-independent in adulthood. This protective part is exiling the burdened part that still seeks connection with others. This protective part believes it is 'protecting' the burdened part from the disappointment that may come with being open to connecting with another. Whilst the protector is well-meaning, leading from such a part can limit our ability to work well in a team or to create intimate and secure bonds with friends or a partner. In another example, in an effort to satisfy a burdened part's yearning for connection, a protector can attract individuals into our lives who end up taking advantage of our need for connection (often the other person is drawn to us to meet their own challenges). In this example, we often remain in these relationships for an extended period of time to get our need for connection met, not realising that it is driven by the fears and anxieties of the exiled part.

 

(No multiplicity in parts is not pathology, it is perfectly normal. I mean, how else can we (as one person) feel ‘conflicted’? But yes, highly wounded and un-integrated parts can get stuck)

 

Listen in and you will see.

Now, if we have an opportunity to listen to our parts, we learn they all just want the best for us and believe everything they are doing is for our good. Even if they have adopted challenging habits or kept us in a bad situation, their intentions are always good. So, how do we help parts that may be holding us back? Well, the best way to understand anything really, listen. 

 

How it works…

Once we listen in, we have the opportunity to learn what purpose our parts intend to serve and how they are trying to protect us or a part of us. We work with these protective parts to access the vulnerable part of us that has been exiled. We help the part that has been exiled to feel through and recover, and also offer the part that has been doing the protecting an opportunity to rest and then take on a more balanced and less extreme role in our internal system. This is called ‘unburdening’.

 

Just as every organ has a role in keeping the physical system operating smoothly, so does every part have a role. And just as our physical system needs an internal leader to fuel the function of the other organs (the heart) our whole-self system, or as titled by Richard Schwartz, our 'Internal Family System' also needs an internal leader in the driver seat, and that is the self, the innate wisdom we all have. The Faheem we all are.

 

The goal…

Through working with our Internal Family System, we understand our whole-self. From this place of harmony, where each part contributes in its own unique and wise way to the whole, we are triggered less, and even when triggered we have the tools to understand why. We move through life and in connection with others with greater joy and ease than ever before because we know we can tap into the wisdom of self if ever in doubt. We know when to pause, listen to somatic signals, rest and recover, and how to do it with love and not guilt! We make decisions and set goals with an understanding of our unique self and we succeed because we lead from an innate wisdom.

 

This work is ultimately guided by your self. This is your unique innate wisdom which has been spoken of in a number of spiritual traditions and has now been adopted by a modern psychotherapeutic approach to whole-self wellbeing. It has always been with us, we were born from it and with it, and if we live consciously through it, well there is nothing quite like it!